third side of the coin

"I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floatin’ around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it’s both, maybe both happening at the same time." - Forrest Gump

"These were not monsters, these were men, trained cadres, these men who fought with their hearts, who have families, who have children, who were filled with love. But they had the strength, the strength to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men, then our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling, without passion, without judgment–without judgment–because it’s judgment that defeats us. " - Kurtz, Apocalypse Now

(i didnt intend to put anything on the blog on this, but we dont intend alot of things in everyday life now do we? nod and let me go on this one. i need this)(thank you)

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may 13th 2007 took a whole new twist for me. frankly speaking, the rush of panic in which this ‘harmonious & truly asian’ nation stumbled onto a near 40 years back still haunts me today. yes i’m politically aware, yes i feel opressed , yes i think the may13 issue was silenced and hastily ‘resolved’ and yes i would like to see the authority try to shut me up for being vocal (apparently bloggers are a nuisance to the government, of course is it, it’s just the voice of your fuckin people, thats all). but this post is not about the riots, its not about the national economic policy(national??), nor is it about racial segregation and the convenient pimpslap at human rights. this is about departures.

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do you like airports? there’s always a certain Mise En Scene at airports; like a quiet calm hum converging from stranger to stranger, flight to flight. with airport staff being the exception, everyone else are just passer bys. Every face you see is forgetable, every smile accidental and courteous, but the people you know that have come to see you off, remains in the heart for a good lifetime.

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I’ve had my share of airport moments. when Cassie left to Hong Kong for the first time (then the UK again and again later on), i saw how our folks transformed from strict nasty domestic lions to motherly pandas(again and again), and honestly, it changed how i saw my family. teenage angst were neutralised(thank god); when Dad left for N.Africa, the weight of "son, take care of the family" was one that took me awhile to carry, but it inspired no less and made me force out a defence that have (i believe at least) seasoned me up from being a hippy dreamer to a reality-checking idealist. and when i left for Sydney fr that trip, the airport served as reminder that "hey, you’re done with the pre-requisites’, the fuckin world awaits, now leap!".

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I guess I find airports emotional. Everytrip to KLIA pinches me a little, sometimes in the mind, mostly at the heart, the calmness of having what you need to live all neatly packed in a suitcase, but leaving what you might be living for, waving goodbyes at the gates. it’s not what you might call ‘breezy’, but it does signify progress.

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Nana left for the states yesterday, 13th May 2007. The whole gang from the party the night before was there to see her off (wicked s.o.b of a party too!). I guess it didnt struck us she was leaving for good until the gates. i know it didnt struck me until seeing her walk on and disappear. not even a year, yet so much to reminisce; The Sangria, ‘Bi-raciality’, the Thriller moves(lol), the nights by the lake, the chistianing of Trix to ‘Sesha’, lol, goddamn i’m gonna miss you much Bobo.

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do good in Boston k? *huggles tight*

you’ll see me when i get there someday. May 13th…some year.

I decided to stop blogging for awhile. Simply because it’s hard to take back what you say, and I say the darndest things a lot.

Too much even. I’d like to consider it a self containment, collecting all these scrap thoughts and rolling it all up like a big plastesine ball. Maybe I’ll write something that makes more sense, and moves more feet than just scribblings of emotional notions and political and humanitarian failures. Awareness stops here, change.

Trix champagne, signing/typing off.

Sometimes, i like to think we’re not all selfish.

Dreamers are but dreamers until they grasp reality, and still choose to glide in its sky, staring the sun in the eye fearless of being blinded.

Honestly,

The view’s pretty serene from this cloud.

listen to silverchair’s new ’straight lines’. love it.

This morning,i made mine.

7 years ago this day. a very close brotherly friend of mine took his own life a million miles away in the states. I never met Nathan in person, and i never had the chance to say how much i appreciated the friendship we had. i was bitter, i thought he was selfish for doing what he did. But after all this while, i think i finally understand why Nathan decided to do what he did, being in that situation, that young; if only he held on a couple more days, i think Nathan could cope and make peace with his charred past. I’ll never know.

We all have that one person in our lives we wished we had never let go, the one that got away. And all so often, we do, looking at it as something unavoidable, something fate had rolled a dice on way before we saw it coming. What’s even stranger, we pretend waking up from the episode ‘as a lesson learnt’ and aced it the best way we can. Really…how do we ‘ace’ from a ‘lesson’ like that when we quit the class? i know i definitely didn’t pass with flying colours. i used to hate myself for living the past. Quoting special people i’ve met, and allowed myself to lose them. i always had the frame of mind that if i were anywhere close to who and how they are/were, i was defeated; that they managed to rub off abit of them on me, and i was the loser for still carrying the essence of them with me. i ran. Constantly, i ran from my past. acknowledging everything that happen as a romanticised strategic tragedy. You know us dreamers…self-loathing narcissist as a dear old friend puts it.

That maybe beyond ambitions and dreams, we won’t let the obsession get the best of us. It’s funny though, why is it we find it harder to sacrifice what we never needed before, for the sake of what we really need.

Kanyeze was off the hook!

Last night was nuts! Assorted, and coated with thick rich chocolate.

so the crew and i was a lil too excited and went to the stadium a tad bit early. Heh. How was we (i) to know like any other local Hiphop gigs, everyone comes the latest time possible. so yea, Qube, Zash and Mal’s crew and i spent a good afternoon chilling by, watching 60+ year old Tai Chi enthusiasts practice ‘pushing’ each other(oh the joy), made a rendezvous to China Town, came back and still no one. (Anyone remembers the queue during LinkinPark or Incubus?), well none of that til 7pm. but the wait was worth it no less, we were way up front just as planned. Up.Front.

But all in all, met alot of old heads i haven’t seen for the longest time, twas good seeing familiar faces, and getting acquainted with new ones, it was all love, really. But the show…goddamn!

T-Bone and Goldfish did the usual quality controlled job warming up the crowd before Kartel stepped in and shook everyone into party mode. Shout out to KLG Sqwad for lacing what they do best, More Fiyah!  Proud of you bunch. As usual, Too Phat blazed it, nuff’ said (if you’ve caught toophat live before, this is self-explanatory). Of course, the main event killed it. Kanye was blinged, Schwing and Swinged like a motherfucker (nice holy kicks too…weren’t nikes hm). The set (i reckon) was semi-played by ear with Dj Anthrax flippin arrangements to Mr.Kanyeze’s request, but if you were suppose to be

there last night, and you weren’t…lol. You missed out too much man. Let’s just say the legend re-inspired alot of ppl again. and owh didn’t quite believe it, but the man and his lil symphony did ‘Jesus Walks’… not bad aye? Subliminally mocked timbaland and performed his new songs from his upcoming ‘Graduation’ release. You could hear the crowd sizzle, the man even dropped a freestyle. by then you can tell who really listens to lyrics, and who just hears. i’ve to say the ending was bad though….it just went kaput.

There was an afterparty. But after the quick shisha with Dennis Qube and Rauzan, we called it quits fr the night. Besides, the damn concert was enough to keep us awed. Now i heard J.Timberlake will be down sometime this year. If it happens, I’m showing up at 7pm and bum rush my way to the gates. No more waiting!

My coffee’s nearly done. *yawn* I’m off for more. laters.

this is what happens when you have an ‘Entourage’ marathon with 2 of your best buddies til 2am with minimal grass, wake up at 8 and realize you’ve got an appointment for car service at 10, and an internal presentation on a couple of tvcs you jotted down in half hour.and they want it all exciting and shit…cmon..its a freakin government ad(they know it..i know it), you think the ppl there gonna love me for thinking out of the box? (refer TV PENDIDIKAN 1996)…bite me, anyone.

that was just first half!
i feel like i’ve just watched david beckham tryna teach victoria posh how to sing. i’m drained out of my confused chindian skull!
dont get me wrong, i love this job. but there’s only so much one could take for LOSING MY GODDAMN ORGANIZER!

yea. i think that’s it. i need a new good fat leather organizer.
i cant remember a thing. even called justin up thinking it was his birthday last week. heh.speaking of justin (April 11th, i remember now homeboy!)..we had a nice 2 hours wait at this new restaurant in ss2. pretty good stuff..butter sauce chicken rice with honey milk drink thing(i think it’s halal too)…the anti-gym indulgence…*sigh*

priceless.

back to that 2 hours wait…we drifted to our fav topic. wifeys.
now if you lived like how i lived, you’re obliged to love women.
i admit it. i appreciate the ladies in my life.

…blah.i’m going nowhere with this.

i think i’ll end this here. i wanna scram. i need sleep.
ttyl. whoever. peacenit and peck-knuckles.

ps - mateen and i, we’re finally sparking off PILLOWJUICE DESIGN. holla at us for topnotch dreamy ideas.

taking two steps back, embracing second dosage,
i’m forced to face facts; your fiction made you hostage,
i’m not hostile by lacing blatant reviews,
but i guess when trix speaks his mind, it’s on forum news.
i stay embraced in the scene with an independent view,
my sight’s honest, you know i laced the truth.
shut me down like indie papers, corrupt like India’s papers,
some of y’all just snitchin haters, forum to real-life matters,
but flaws aside, respect stands aplenty,
for the money? sure brethren, but praises stays empty.
props drops when due, when and only then,
i dont believe in cocksuckin just because i know you or them.

issues. peace.

anyone remembers Embrace?

that brit rock band that had a couple of chart hits in the late 90s before literally exchanging a couple of hits with the boys of Oasis?

well i woke up today with their song, ‘come back to what you know’ in my head. random. so being stuck with humming/repeating the only phrase i knew of the song(which is also the title of the track,heh), i surfed for lyrics. And in all honesty, i never noticed it being this melancholic, and clever. so in tribute to the song that brought back a hell lotta high school memories(and kept me self-syoked through out this slow-fuckin-mo monday),

i present to ya, Embrace. (as you can see…i dont have the track, so any of you kind souls out there happen to have it, drop me a line, i’d buy you coffee).

Come back to what you know,

Take everything, real slow,

I wanna lose you but I can’t,

Let you go.

Before you interfere,

Let me make it loud and clear,

that you got no more to prove.

I’m the fool.

So take it easy, on yourself,

There’s nothing new about, declaring how you felt.

I’ll never let you down,

Or ever feel the way that I’ve been fearing now.

Coming back to what you know won’t mean a thing.

Everything that you’ve done keeps you from me.

Now I know that I need more time,

Come back and let me see your right.

I’m coming back to what you know,

Cos I know that I need it now it’s gone.

Now I know that I need more time,

Come back and let me see your right.

So hang on to what you’ve got,

keep it safe.

Hang on to what you’ve got,

keep it safe from harm.

You’ll find.

There’s nothing new that we can’t leave behind.

Come back to what you know,

Take everything, real slow,

I wanna lose you but I got,

Far too high.

To let go,

Now the demon in me knows,

What I knew so long ago.

Coming back to what you know won’t mean a thing.

Take everything, real slow,

I tried to lose you,

But I got, far too close.

in the words of Borat,

This my neighbor, Nursultan Tuleiakbay. He is pain in my assholes. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock-radio, he cannot afford. Great success!

Shiver

A million pins, squeezing through a pore.

A million sins’ better than none at all.

But you took it further, you believe in life,

So much so,

forgetting to give fucks to true lies.

oh well fairytale people.

Slim yourself down baby. shave that ugly brow,

Puff that powder, pink cheeks, my…the perfect clown.

Perhaps you don’t know what they speak of you, Narcissist.

The social slut with put on class,

I remembered you authentic, when cutting wrists.

Faint hearted me, saint/bastard you,

Cold custard we, mutually amused,

Let me shiver for you, shave the hair off your tip,

Slip a pretentious prayer through,

dip your breath through my lips,

your warranty’s still valid,

pick yourself from the water muddy,

baby…you need help.

you’re looking jaded, like me.

a pencil behind my ear,

chuck work, jug down a beer,

i am alpha, omega and the meat sandwiched in between.

an idea behind my stares,

too clever it might glare,

i am the A, the Z, and the words made up in between.

no paperback writer, i find solace in status,

A plastecine whore race, who sells better lies first.

But behold!

the traffic halts!

the pencil stays still… the curse of a writer’s block.

But behold! don’t pass.

the next writer could reach only less.

i speak of dialects too high for these fools hash.

you want malaysian? i deliver global lines,

i ask patience, i’ll turn money out of time…

give me a sharpened pencil, leave and return in few minutes,

let me to knock the block, i’ll win you over when i’m finished.