third side of the coin

"I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floatin’ around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it’s both, maybe both happening at the same time." - Forrest Gump

"These were not monsters, these were men, trained cadres, these men who fought with their hearts, who have families, who have children, who were filled with love. But they had the strength, the strength to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men, then our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling, without passion, without judgment–without judgment–because it’s judgment that defeats us. " - Kurtz, Apocalypse Now

(i didnt intend to put anything on the blog on this, but we dont intend alot of things in everyday life now do we? nod and let me go on this one. i need this)(thank you)

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may 13th 2007 took a whole new twist for me. frankly speaking, the rush of panic in which this ‘harmonious & truly asian’ nation stumbled onto a near 40 years back still haunts me today. yes i’m politically aware, yes i feel opressed , yes i think the may13 issue was silenced and hastily ‘resolved’ and yes i would like to see the authority try to shut me up for being vocal (apparently bloggers are a nuisance to the government, of course is it, it’s just the voice of your fuckin people, thats all). but this post is not about the riots, its not about the national economic policy(national??), nor is it about racial segregation and the convenient pimpslap at human rights. this is about departures.

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do you like airports? there’s always a certain Mise En Scene at airports; like a quiet calm hum converging from stranger to stranger, flight to flight. with airport staff being the exception, everyone else are just passer bys. Every face you see is forgetable, every smile accidental and courteous, but the people you know that have come to see you off, remains in the heart for a good lifetime.

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I’ve had my share of airport moments. when Cassie left to Hong Kong for the first time (then the UK again and again later on), i saw how our folks transformed from strict nasty domestic lions to motherly pandas(again and again), and honestly, it changed how i saw my family. teenage angst were neutralised(thank god); when Dad left for N.Africa, the weight of "son, take care of the family" was one that took me awhile to carry, but it inspired no less and made me force out a defence that have (i believe at least) seasoned me up from being a hippy dreamer to a reality-checking idealist. and when i left for Sydney fr that trip, the airport served as reminder that "hey, you’re done with the pre-requisites’, the fuckin world awaits, now leap!".

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I guess I find airports emotional. Everytrip to KLIA pinches me a little, sometimes in the mind, mostly at the heart, the calmness of having what you need to live all neatly packed in a suitcase, but leaving what you might be living for, waving goodbyes at the gates. it’s not what you might call ‘breezy’, but it does signify progress.

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Nana left for the states yesterday, 13th May 2007. The whole gang from the party the night before was there to see her off (wicked s.o.b of a party too!). I guess it didnt struck us she was leaving for good until the gates. i know it didnt struck me until seeing her walk on and disappear. not even a year, yet so much to reminisce; The Sangria, ‘Bi-raciality’, the Thriller moves(lol), the nights by the lake, the chistianing of Trix to ‘Sesha’, lol, goddamn i’m gonna miss you much Bobo.

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do good in Boston k? *huggles tight*

you’ll see me when i get there someday. May 13th…some year.

I decided to stop blogging for awhile. Simply because it’s hard to take back what you say, and I say the darndest things a lot.

Too much even. I’d like to consider it a self containment, collecting all these scrap thoughts and rolling it all up like a big plastesine ball. Maybe I’ll write something that makes more sense, and moves more feet than just scribblings of emotional notions and political and humanitarian failures. Awareness stops here, change.

Trix champagne, signing/typing off.