third side of the coin

how many special people change…? too many too soon.

a couple of them calls it ‘growing up’. the metamorphosis from a nova, into a distant star.similar meanings, a victim of clever over-analyzation; superficial lux operas and hollywood happy endings.

i wish i could stand a little closer. but i’m a little closer to feeling distant. i don’t  think i know you. i don’t think you recognize how i stumble anymore.do you?

i’m trying to walk down that broken line.skipping between the gaps, only to have the light blind me an array of 7 colours from below, where our line once, even crooked, mastered as a bridge over troubled waters.

i do condemn you for disappointing me..and us all. but i could hate you for disappointing yourself. wordly fool….balance yourself. wash yourself and recall your dreams. and when you do, let me help launch you. i still owe you too much.

i wonder where are you going? it’s turning day…we could help you find your yellow brick road, but you know Oz. we all know how life works…don’t escape. give chase.close your eyes by the mirror, and see if it reflects your thoughts. i’d take a peek to try to understand you…

it’s been awhile since we caught up. perhaps i’ll take fault for thinking you were doing alright. didn’;t think you were in such strife..

how many special people change?….one more.

i’m jazzin, to those who knows what i’m on.

2006 might not end that bad afterall…december’s gonna be rapid, we do it good, this time next year i should be living a dash sweeter of a situation. "/  a bed of snacks for 07. hope you bunch make it with me. i feel this mojo.

hope. found ya.

too much ciggs + too little sleep = 1 sick trix.

remedy myth: tlc

remedy (fr real): drugs + porridge - ciggs

prescriptions: bena expectorant cough syrup + antibiotics + weird wheezing tablets + flu pills

hence….i’m pretty goddamn high on the job. =D *happy

what goes around comes back around.

i’m losing touch of myself. caught up with every goddamn thing that comes in too fast. the year’s been a long fucked up year. everything fell apart at some point. folks nearly signed papers, my last break up had me paralyzed. 3Flow lost everything we’ve been working for the last 2 years.

foes became friends, friends became fam, fam broke down. my leftover emo and ego is a lil cracked and i’m getting too used to being numb and a solo free-fr-all. i dont like to feel that i’m so weak, that every opinion and comment i get stormed at me fetches any real significance, but so much has been said to me this year by so many significant ppl in my life. so much has been done and so much i had to fuckin swamp through fuckin alone, i’m beginning to think faith is pretend, and i’m a very well managed pretender and self-comforter. i deserve an emmy. i saw new sides of the ppl i cared for in 06. i thought i was the only ugly one.

maybe its the greens or the booze talking, i dont know. but i’m in a state where i really couldnt give a fuck what happens next. i suppose everyone’s the hero in their lives, i choose to be the jester in yours and mine. i’d like to think i’m gonna make it alone.  i can’t embrace a tomorow without worrying how it wont work out. hell, nothing has worked out yet, it’s been a consistent row of breakdowns. perhaps being a full time cold fucked up realist wont be that bad.

money makes the world go round. but mo money mo problems B.I.G once said. well, my problems cant bother me as much as my conscience is messing with me now. i need to walk away. fuck off from myself.

maybe. fuck me.

its 11.45.

gonna be a long office night tonight… so much more to complete, little works that amounts a small ant hill. not little when you’re the ant.

while we were puffin outside earlier, i questioned how much i missed orange skylines, like tonight. cyberjaya is quiet this late…too quiet perhaps. so much so i could hear my thoughts; scary when its all reflective, not this late. Ironic the last text message i got was along that line. even more Ironic that i miss home, and on similar nights back there, i miss this silly city.

Glitz happens tomoro, in noble aid for child poverty worldwide. all the preparation, the stress, the goddamn worries boils down less than 24 hours away. Honestly, all the notes here on global child poverty scares me on how ignorant comfortable living has made me. us.

am i suppose to feel ashamed, this much? that means you’re allowed to also. that means i’m not alone in this, kan? i’m swaying…

its a shame how governments all around the globe has monetarily invested in weapons and technological infrastructures, implementing policies on privatisation for good money and tax chasing, but has failed to save their most deprived people, children…from crumbling.

avoidable,but avoided.    

my nose is beginning to leak again*snif*..i need a smokie..