third side of the coin

it’s 12.17am, 31st august 2006.
i just received a couple of highly optimistic and grateful sms-es on independence.
one even stated how i should cherish it.

but really. what independence?
we cleared the colonialisation of the British 49 years ago. and ‘Malaysians’ took power.
and then what…

social segregation, racial classification. am i suppose to feel liberated now that the
western powers are physically gone and the locals are taking the wheel and making laws in which
the shade and colour of my skin and that of my parents determines my fate?

if anyone should play god, it is us ourselves.
we, Malaysians, through out the years have found comfort in our own kind.
as sad as it is, race is still a vital core in our everyday lives.
how is it that our children are taught that we are of one kind, one culture, one ‘Malaysian’ race,
yet they are given university forms to fill in, in which their race and religion is to be stated?
we all know this is not just to keep database. we all know about the quota.
and since 63′, we all kept silence, in fear of the violence that was.

i’m not trying to provoke or suggest a revolution, but all i am saying is, there was never a real
resolution. the british tried to segregate the indians, chinese and malays by their jobs and industry
they were to be involved in during the days of pre-independence.
i dont see there is any much of a difference now.
i can understand why the country did what we did.
i can swallow why the masquarade is still going on..
but why be blind and dumb?
the petronas ads by yasmin ahmad were good…really good.
but i think her movies reflected a deeper sense of Malaysian reality. I’m just surprised there
werent a big hoohaa about her cross-cultural theme. it was beautiful to see it on real media so
openly for once.

maybe we are evolving into something to be proud of.
in 50 years to come, maybe our visit Malaysia ads would be less braddy-bunch-ish and reflects
a more real, genuine united front. I suppose time will tell.

But for tonight,as a Malaysian, to all my fellow Malaysians, i urge that we make a change.
no more ‘cinas’ or ‘kelings’ or ‘natahs’. fuck that.
know and be proud of your roots, but i think its time we actually know and accept why we are what we
are today,
Malaysians; confused and caught up.

I’m thankful for the peace and unity, but i regret all the shit talk we have on each other, racially.

so before you go on and forward that sms tellin me how grateful you are, think about it.
cause i wont be til i know i’ve done my best to fix the leak.

peace.

life hits you with syrup..then life hits you with lemons.
i’m really not bothered to put all that make up and say i’m ok. cause i’m not.
3.13am and i’m still up, bothered.

i think being a dreamer comes with a given optimism that often gets shot down.
and this is prolly my 3rd-5th time. i had a conversation about my insecurities,
is it really that big of a flaw. i really dont mean to whine, and i despise self-sympathy,
but i find it hard to have a realist living today to see ‘what ifs’ of a dreamer.
but then again, the situation’s vice versa, no?
maybe i’m stubborn, maybe its just me being a leo. maybe its just my goddamn character.
i dont know.

but i feel for the first time in my life, i feel exposed as being wrong.
perhaps i am after all, after all these years.

i’m cornered in and i really dont have much of a choice but to adapt to the change.
the way majority wants it.

majority once believed that vincent van gogh was a failure.
then majority decided that he was a work of art. majority always has the last shot.
(unless of course you’re the United States and veto every goddamn thing).
but the bottom line for tonight is majority has gotten the best of me.
too many times have i been blamed, and too many times have i refuse to take the fall.

and as if it was fate, i now realize i’ve been falling even before i knew it.
trip. fell, bruised and trying to fuckin smile.

look at me. i’m smilin. you should be proud. i’m giving in to your argument.
lets end this debate. here. now.

i give up.
i hope you’re happy.
i’ll try to be, for my sake this time. no more anyone’s else.
maybe you’ll admire me someday. maybe not. but i do hope i wont even see you around,
my pride and shame will wash myself out. if i still have any by then.

been listening to the song even more so since i got back home…
i wish i could relate to this song, i nearly did. but relationships get ill i suppose. fuckin jinxed myself again.

for those that dont know, here’s the words.

[chorus]
If you don’t worry ’bout where
I been or who I saw or
What club I went to with my homies
Baby don’t worry, you know that you got me

verse 1- [black thought]
Somebody told me that this planet was small
We used to live in the same building on the same floor
And never met before until I’m overseas on tour
And peep this Ethiopian Queen from Philly
Taking classes abroad
She studying film in photo flash focus record
Said she working on a flick and could my clique do the score
She said she love my show in Paris at Elysée Montmartre
And that I stepped off the stage and took a piece of her heart
We knew from the start that things fall apart
Intense and shatter, she like, that shit don’t matter
When I get home, get at her, pull out her phone
Whatever, let’s lay, let’s get together
Shit, you think that not?
Think that dog went home and forgot?
Time passed, now we back in Philly, she up in my spot
Telling me the things I’m telling her is makin’ her hot
Started building with her constantly ’round the clock
Now she in my world like hip-hop, and keep telling me…

[chorus]

verse 2- [black thought]
Yo, I’m the type that’s always catchin’ a flight
And sometimes I got to be out at the height of the night
And that’s when she flip and get on some…
[Eryka]
Another loney night?
Seems like I’m on the side, you only lovin’ your mic
I know you gotta get that paper daddy, keep that shit tight
But yo, I need some sort of love in my life, you dig me?
While politickin’ with my sister from New York City
She said she know this ball player, and he think I’m pretty
Psych, I’m playin’ boo, you know it’s just wit you I’m stayin’ boo
And when cats be poppin’ game I don’t hear what they sayin’, boo
When you out there in the world, I’m still your girl
With all my classes I don’t have the time for life’s thrills
So when you sweatin’ on stage, think of me when you rhyme
And don’t be listenin’ to your homies, they be leadin’ you blind
[black thought]
Yeah, so what you sayin’ is I can trust you
[Eryka]
Is you crazy? You my king, for real
But sometimes, relationships get ill

[chorus]

verse 3 - [black thought]
That snake could be that chick or that rat
Could be that cool cat that’s whisperin’
She’s trying to play you for the fool, black
If something’s on your chest then let it be known
See I’m not your "every-five-minutes" all on the phone
And on the topic of trust, it’s just a matter of fact
That people bite back, fracture what’s in tact
And they’ll forever be
I ain’t on some "Oh, I’m a celebrity"
I deal wit the real, so if it’s artificial, let it be
I seen people caught in love like whirlwinds
Listening to they squalls and listenin’ to they girlfriends
That’s exactly the point where they whole world ends
Lies come in, that’s where the drama begins
And she like…
If you don’t worry ’bout where
I been or who I saw or
What club I went to with my homies
Baby don’t worry, you know that you got me

(holla if you want a copy of the track..peace.)

danger danger! your friends are making you fake,

i hope they wither quick, for your terrible sake.

but where does the bunny go but back into the hole,

they’ll bury you in, til there’s no bunny at all.

lets go to hell and visit the devil,

play a few tricks then ask her a riddle,

if this life is one, then why are you here?

you wont die without money, what’s there to fear?